I have a son and a daughter. Whilst, I now have equally close relationships with both of them, their births were polar opposites, and this initially had a massive impact on how I was able to bond and care for them in their first weeks of life.
I had planned to deliver my older son at a local birth centre, but as my pregnancy advanced, it become clear that he was breach and it was strongly advised by the midwives and consultants that I elect to have a caesarean. There were no other issues with his growth or development but I was made to feel that I would effectively be putting his life at risk if I were to attempt a vaginal delivery. Other than vaguely wanting some kind of 'natural birth', I had no birth plan. I felt young and uneducated and I went along with this, knowing that it wasn't really what I wanted. I didn't feel able to voice my opinion for fear of being judged as putting my baby at unnecessary risk or that I had choices over my own body. The caesarean went as planned but I struggled to breastfeed and bond with my son. I feel that the emotional and physical trauma made this so much more difficult, and there was a lot of focus from the medical staff on fixing me up and sending us out into the world without making sure I was actually able to feed my baby. I remember being told by a health visitor that I would be able to feed him eventually, as women just "always made enough milk for their babies" and when she had her own children her "freezer was overflowing with milk". I didn't find this particularly reassuring.
I had put a huge amount of pressure on myself to have a 'perfect' birth and felt like I had failed at every single part of something which should come so naturally.
When I became pregnant with my daughter, I decided that there was no way I would allow the same thing to happen again. I have worked in healthcare for my entire working life, so I wasn't naive enough to think that I would see the same midwife throughout my pregnancy and labour, or that the healthcare professionals supporting my care would have unlimited time to spend with me following her birth. I made sure that I educated myself by reading and attending as many antenatal classes as possible, and that I had a birth plan which reflected my wishes. I think that it is really important to recognise that things don't always go as planned; every labour is completely individual and although I already had an older child, I hadn't actually gone through labour, having no idea how I would feel in the moment.
This time I decided to attempt a vbac and this was supported by the healthcare team who were more progressive than what I had experienced previously.
My labour was very long due to her being in the OP position, facing forwards instead of towards my spine, but my midwife was amazing and supported me to move into whatever position I found comfortable. Despite being busy, I never felt like I was a burden and was continually told what an amazing woman I was.
When she was born I felt like a warrior and that feeling had stuck with me ever since. The midwife that delivered her stayed with me for a long time after she was delivered to ensure that she was properly latched and feeding, and I successfully fed her for almost a year.
The experiences that I had with both of my children have inspired me to become a midwife. No one should ever feel that their feelings are invalid and unimportant, and we should try wherever possible to adapt practice to empower and value women.
What we do is incredible, and the experience of growing and producing a new human can shape the rest of our lives.
